PEEVES by DIANA ››

When someone offers to help you with something and then you realize the thing you need help with is something you're better at doing than they are.
"Hey, want me to proofread your resume for you?" "Sure." "Okay, looks great." "Thanks!" [Resume writer finds "public" misspelled as "pubic" throughout.] OR: "Hey, do you know how to get from [destination] to [destination]?" "Yeah, totally! Just a second while I check something..." [An hour passes while the person looks at google maps and then reads, out loud and verbatim, some hopstop directions.] Don't offer to help me if you are shitty at the thing you're trying to help with!

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Other | 11.12.2010 | Comments (0)

Women who commute to professional jobs carrying Victoria's Secret bags.
This is only slightly less damaging to the credibility of my entire gender than wearing a sandwich board that says "I like boys, shopping, pink things, and underwear!" Same message, different medium. The fact that women routinely use these things to carry their lunch to work without being completely consumed by embarrassment boggles the mind. It's fine to care about any of these things, I suppose, but do it on your own time, and don't make it part of your business getup. Broadcasting this image in the workplace makes you look like a real twit.

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Work | 10.1.2010 | Comments (1)

People who limit their "activism" to comments threads.
If you spent as much time leaving your keyboard to, you know, DO STUFF as you do writing things like "@stupidhandle621731273186321, I totally disagree with your views on kitten murder! Please read these eight federal cases that show you that kitten murder is NOT supported by the Bible," you might actually get stuff done. Nothing wrong with posting your views, but please, make sure when you act it involves more action than this.

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Internet | 7.16.2010 | Comments (1)

When the sound transmission delay on your cell phone is such that every time you speak, you accidentally interrupt someone.
"So, how are you?" "..." "I wanted to tell you that my mom died tragically in a vibrator accident last Tues--" "Good."

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Technology | 2.20.2010 | Comments (0)

People who use their lack of familiarity with New York City to act incompetent at things any adult should be able to do anywhere.
Friend visiting from another large city: "Do you have any allergy medication?" Me: "No, but there's a drug store right across the street" [I gesture out the window, through which a drug store is clearly visible]. Friend: "Yeah, I just don't feel very comfortable wandering around. Guess I'm not ready to be a real New Yorker!" OR Random Person: [Stands on A train platform between two stairways, above which are signs indicating that the B, D and F line are downstairs] "Where's the D train?" Me: "Downstairs." Random Person: "Wow, I don't know how you New Yorkers do this every day!"

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Travel | 11.26.2009 | Comments (1)

Houseguests who are completely unable to fend for themselves.
One person was so timid and weird about things that she would not open the refrigerator, even in front of me, even when I told her to go ahead and help herself. Another made me accompany him to our local subway stop despite my having given the clear instructions "Take a right out the door and walk three blocks, you will see it immediately" -- he cited a fear of getting lost because he was "not so used to New York yet".

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Household | 9.12.2009 | Comments (2)

When people respond to harmless questions with evasive answers/"comedic" impressions/deliberate attempts to change the subject.
Q: What's for dinner? A: Stone soup, hah hah hah! Q: So what did you do today? A: [speaking in Antonio Banderas accent] Wouldn't you like to know... Q: Do you want to go for a walk? A: Walks are nice sometimes. Q: What time is it? A: [speaks in Groucho Marx voice] Later than you think! So either you think my question is irrelevant (thanks for respecting my motives!), or you like being manipulative and withholding, or you're a douche who thinks he/she is "above" normal conversation. It's not like I asked you if you're an adult bed wetter, so just answer the damn question and stop annoying the shit out of me.

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Conversation | 9.19.2009 | Comments (1)

When I am the only one with a bag or backpack and everyone else makes me carry their wallet/cell phone/book.
Do you know why I carry a bag? To be self-sufficient. Did it ever occur to you that I find bag-carrying just as annoying as you, but I carry one anyway because I like having my wallet and keys and reading with me while not bequeathing my inconvenience to others? Now my bag is six times heavier than yours would have been if you'd just taken your own. Bonus points if you roll your eyes and sigh when it takes me 20 minutes to find something of mine because of all the other crap in there.

— Diana from Brooklyn | Etiquette | 4.28.2009 | Comments (2)

The phrase "mental hygiene".
I hate that this has become an accepted public health term. It always makes me think of this one graphic I saw in a teen health publication of someone flossing himself through the ears. The idea to be marketed here is practices that enforce being not-crazy, not mental images of cleaning the armpits of the mind. Please spare us.

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Language | 5.19.2009 | Comments (4)

Parents talking on their cell phones or to friends or otherwise being lazy shits in full view of their children hitting/teasing/shrieking at my dog.
One way that you can tell I'm not a parent at the moment is that I DON'T DO ANY PARENTING. So maybe you could step up and do some now, since the material evidence of your keen interest in breeding is being a little asshole to an innocent animal who is -- lucky for you -- trained well enough not to eat him for it. I can't count the number of times I have been sitting on a bench peacefully and it's suddenly become babysitting hour for some really awful kid whose parents never noticed he's a little sadist -- and I'm always the one who ends up leaving! What kind of parent lets this happen? How does one even deal with this situation?

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Public Places | 4.23.2009 | Comments (4)

Automatic prestige afforded to big name actors who gain weight, wear weird unflattering prosthetics, or otherwise make themselves ugly for a role, regardless of the actual quality of the performance.
Charlize Theron in Monster, Kate Winslet as the old lady in Titanic, Nicole Kidman in The Hours, Salma Hayek in Frida, etc. Also disturbing is the fact that I can only think of female examples...like "OMG, she is SUCH a good actress that she's even willing to NOT BE PRETTY." (Often quickly followed by "Did you see how thick her arms were on the red carpet this year? What a fashion don't!")

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Art | 9.18.2009 | Comments (5)

Babies at movies (independent of noise/aroma issues)
Look, I get that date night has taken a real hit since Irma Jr. arrived, but I am pretty sure that despite the praiseworthy lack of screaming/crying/bad smells emanating from the little tyke, it's pretty much the worst idea for him to be exposed to the sights and sounds of, say, people being eaten alive by zombies and then tucked into bed for the night at 1:30am. If you find acting like parents to be such an inconvenience, one way to avoid this problem might have been to avoid breeding in the first place. I possess similar feelings re: babies at bars and concerts.

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Public Places | 3.21.2009 | Comments (6)

"Oh, you're such a [insert Sex in the City character name here]!"
Congratulations, it has taken you a mere five words to relieve me of my will to live.

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Television | 1.20.2010 | Comments (4)

When office emailing conventions cause you to write in ways that make you lose respect for yourself.
Hi there, team! Just a quick FYI about the upcoming PowerPoint seminar! I know that everyone is multi-tasking in anticipation of the holiday closing, but if you could just check in or touch base with me about any feedback you have on draft 168 of the accompanying 72pp report, that would be super! :) Diana

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Work | 12.12.2008 | Comments (5)

When people use others' [perceived or actual] minority status or other category membership to force them into being "expert resources" on some [supposedly, but often not] related matter.
Category one, in which the "expert" and the "expertise" have a false or offensively forced relationship (or both): "So, you're a woman, do you think botox is wrong?" or "Hey you, with the sense of humor, what was that thing Jeff Foxworthy said about rednecks that one time?" or "As a black man, what is the validity of Barack Obama's economic stimulus plan?" Category two, in which the expert is called upon to be an expert in a totally inappropriate context: "In between contractions when you have a free minute, could you just notarize this for me just quickly? I really need to get it to my tax guy." or "While the rest of us are enjoying our coffee and pie, would you help little Bobby with his physical therapy for about an hour?"

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Etiquette | 1.20.2009 | Comments (1)

When people leave gigantic decorative pumpkins on their lawns/steps/patios for Halloween or Thanksgiving, but once in place, they "realize" the pumpkins are too big to lift a second time and let them rot in place.
Did this not occur to you BEFORE you allowed your tumescent 67 lb squash to disintegrate into an enormous, putrid pile of goo? The autumn is so much more joyful now that I can enjoy the additional cheer of sailing down a sidewalk on a slick of rotting vegetation and having to de-slime my dog's face with an entire pocket-pack of tissues every time I walk by your house.

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Other | 12.21.2008 | Comments (2)

Planned "ladies nights," especially those where the hosts make a big deal out of the whole "no men allowed" aspect of things should one happen to walk by or ask "what are you doing?"
Gender segregation of this sort does not lead to women who are somehow more empowered, and in my experience, the supporters are usually really unhealthy in their dealings with men (and unwilling to do anything about it other than avoid them in really sanctimonious ways). Not only that, these occasions usually result in much shit-talking *about* men, which is pathetic and counterintuitive to the whole idea of strong, independent people with vaginas. I don't want to brush your hair for you, I don't want to discuss chocolate as though it is a spiritual path and not a food, and I don't want to hear how you hate your body but it's okay that we're talking about it because it's "just us girls". The last time the "separate but equal" doctrine worked--oh, wait, IT DIDN'T WORK.

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Other | 12.9.2008 | Comments (10)

When you and your roommate both use universal household products (coffee, hand soap, toilet paper) but you buy the expensive version or large package, and the roommate uses the last of your contribution and "replaces" it with a far crappier one.
While I'm sure it was with much sweat-of-the-brow that you contributed that travel-sized envelope of instant coffee to the opulence of our home, if you ever again use the last of my Kona peaberry coffee and tell me you've "replaced" it with that shit while acting as though you deserve a special hat for your efforts, I will personally remove your internal organs with my teeth. This particularly irks me when the other roommate is noticeably more financially capable than I am: it's not like I have the money for a steady stream of luxury products, so the ones I do spring for actually count. Either pony up or no more sharing.

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Roommates | 11.24.2008 | Comments (5)

When you become friends with one of a set of roommates, then meet the another one and like that one better.
Double points if they are sharing the place due to marriage, domestic partnership, or blood ties. I don't even know what category to put this in because the related difficulties include like seven of them.

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Etiquette | 7.23.2009 | Comments (1)

Cup-and-ice accidents that make me look foolish.
When I am drinking from a glass with ice in it and the ice freezes to the bottom for awhile, only to dislodge itself onto my face when I tip the glass back more vigorously.

— Diana from Brooklyn | Other | 1.9.2009 | Comments (1)

When, in an unfamiliar social situation, people use false or mundane things in common as a thesis for why you should be friends.
This is especially annoying when it leads to the comparison of two interests that aren't alike at all: "Oh, wow, you're a poet? I really love nursery rhymes and Dr. Seuss! What a coincidence!" or "You're creative, right? I'm totally going to subscribe you to my daily newsletter about these autistic children who are learning to finger paint. I think you would find it really meaningful."

— Diana from Brooklyn | Conversation | 2.22.2009 | Comments (4)

Zippers that don't quite zip up all the way, and so begin to zip down instead.
I have a lot of used -- uh, sorry, *vintage* -- clothing, so this irks me regularly.

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Clothing | 5.16.2009 | Comments (3)

People who squeeze or hold your hand for too long during a handshake.
I can't help but feel that a line has been crossed, here. Please let go.

— Diana from Brooklyn | Etiquette | 10.8.2008 | Comments (8)

When you have one check left, and screw it up.
Either you rip it badly and the part with your name stays stuck in the book, or you mean to write, for example, $67.95 and instead you write $97.65. And then you have to get a money order.

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Self | 9.29.2008 | Comments (1)

Being obnoxiously wide on public transportation.
This implies not fatness, but when people, either willfully or obliviously, are incredibly wide on side-by-side public transportation seating. Like the guy who makes sure to spread his knees as far apart as possible, so that he can open both panels of the NYT nice and wide, while next to him on either side there's some poor pregnant woman and a dude with an oxygen tank and a cast practically crushing themselves in order to only take up what little remains of their own seats.

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Public Places | 10.1.2008 | Comments (3)

Catching annoying speech mannerisms from others.
An acquaintance starts sentences with "Honestly, . . ." all the time. It makes you want to peel your face off with irritation. Then you think about it so much that one day, quite to your surprise, you start a sentence in the very same way.

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Self | 6.28.2010 | Comments (3)

Moist bathroom key return.
When someone returns to you the bathroom key you have lent him/her, and it is WET. Not very wet, just moist, like it's been hiding in fecund, swampy earth recently. I'm not a germ phobe, but that crosses some serious lines.

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Bathrooms | 4.7.2010 | Comments (0)

When "me" means "me and a shit ton of people you don't know."
Being invited somewhere with some words that go something like, "I'm at ___. You should come meet me there," and taking the person up on his/her offer to find that in fact "me" means "me and several people you don't know and with whom I share many stories that we will refer to without explaining throughout the evening." There should be another pronoun that indicates not only the first person plural but also the feature of adversativity involved in this situation.

— Diana from Brooklyn, NY | Relationships | 11.17.2008 | Comments (2)