PEEVES by REBECCA ››
People using umbrellas when it's not raining.
Umbrellas in an urban environment, around people of varying heights, can be a dangerous eye-gouging weapon that should only be utilized when absolutely necessary on the narrow sidewalks of Brooklyn. If it was raining an hour ago, and the trees are dripping still, this does NOT justify you endangering my eyeballs as you careen about and don't look where you're going, no matter how cute your umbrella may be.
The amount of time that news programs devote to what goes on in Hollywood as opposed to real news.
If I wanted to hear this stuff I would turn on Access Hollywood, not CNN.
Baggy boxer briefs.
You have three options: Boxers, briefs, and boxer-briefs. Boxers are loose and cotton (pr perhaps silk, if you're one of those). Boxerbriefs are tight and hot, with an element of lycra to make them so. But, baggy stretchy t-shirt material boxerbriefs are the old sweatpants of underwear. Go ahead and wear them when you're sick and farting around the house, but don't fool yourself into thinking they are appropriate for public display.
People who want to have in depth conversations over text.
"How wz Canada?" "Do u think Tom is doing OK with rehab?" "Whats Mom up to these days?" ONE SENTENCE. That is the max for texts. Logistics. Flirting. Yes and no questions. Otherwise, you always still have an actual telephone in your hand.
People who lean on the center vertical stability pole on a crowded subway car.
By leaning on the center pole, rather than politely holding on to it with one hand, they force other people to awkwardly hold the pole above or below the 1/4 of their body they're leaning against the pole.
when websites require long and complex passwords
i just want my password to always be vanilla. always. i don't need 12 characters and 3 numbers and an illegible captcha so that no one can break into my account on Fire Fly Watch.
Eyelashes turned in toward and rubbing against the eyeball.
It's your WHOLE PURPOSE on earth! PROTECT the eyeball. Protect it.
Being forced to keep people in your cell phone address book simply because you don't want to pick up when they call.
I must have 15 people in my phone book just so I can avoid them.
Dudes slowing down in cars to hit on you when you're crossing the street.
As if its not annoying enough to get hit on by someone in motion, they feel the need to slow down when I'm trying to J-walk behind their car as it goes past, thereby impeding my walking.
When ugly black guys say "What's the matter? You're not into black guys?"
So pathetic, ugly dude on the street. So pathetic. While I suppose the race guilt angle has gotten a lot of people laid, I have to assume it's rarely in the 1.5 seconds it takes for a girl to walk by you.
snapping the top down on the dish washing liquid
why would you ever snap the top down? it just means you have to snap it up every single time you use it. soap is thick, it does not pour out even on the off chance it falls over. i consider this snapping up down action OCD.
When people list high school books as their favorites
I mean really. All listing 1984, animal farm, and catcher in the rye as your favorite books does is let everyone know you haven't read a book since adolescence. Leave it blank people.
Farting in overalls and a well insulated jacket.
It just hangs around and is slowly slowly squeezed right into your face by various positional shifts. It can last minutes.
when hair gets onto your eyeball
when you have long hair, and it gets in your face, and you close your eyes, and wipe it away but one strand is caught between your lids, and slides across your eyeball.
When someone with a cold sore offers you some of their drink.
Some people with herpes symplex B like to imagine that everyone has it and it's no big deal. I feel like they want to spread it on purpose ... really, it's not cool. You should warn people.
When you draw for a long time with a ball point pen and then you get so much hand grease on the page that the pen hardly works any more.
Then you get those little areas, that no matter how many times you go over, the pen wont make a mark. No drawing zones.
Endings in film or literature where everything turns out to have been fake.
it's such a cop out! it's already fiction damnit! "everything you thought was just made up, is EVEN MORE made up." there should be a specific term for this exact type of lameness. i just watched swimming pool. how annoying. same with atonement, it ruined a perfectly entertaining book. its so egotistical too, the fiction writer's statement on the power of fiction.